I was told the other day that I was kooky.
I LOVED it!
I love the word itself. It even sounds kooky doesn't it.
According to Oxford dictionary it means strange or eccentric.
I can't say, I guess it depends who or what you compare me to.
Whatever it means I love the word and I accepted it as the compliment that it was offered to me.
It got me to thinking though about all the things that are said to us, or sometimes insinuated by others. Especially by those that we spend a lot of time with. I automatically go to the people that are our partners, or family. But this also includes friends and colleagues.
The same person who called me kooky also a few days later told me that I am thoughtful, loving, smart, caring, fun. I would also add impatient. But for once I want to focus on the more beautiful aspects of myself. Not the out of balance, smaller piece of myself.
I know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who hadn't said for a long time that I was smart or loving. If you have been with someone who is not able to light you up then you know what it is like to be on spiky and sludgy ground. It sucks you down, hurts you and leaves you feeling a loss of self.
I used to think that you could work through any relationship, or at least make the best of it.
My experience though is this is not always the case. You definitely have to work at it, shift, move, compromise and allow each to live their life. But if the other person is not changing then there is nothing, I mean nothing, you can do about it. And if you loved that person and they were linked to your nervous system for a long that - that is bloody hard.
So if this is you, you are not alone. I feel you. It can take us years to let something go, it did me. This is not restricted to partners in life either , it can also be an unhealthy friendship, workplace, a boss, and even habits we keep returning back to.
It does take courage to let it go. Somehow I have been blessed with it, courage. I have taken big leaps over the decades, so I have been practicing. One leap at a time. Somehow I have always been caught by the Divine.
One thing that I have always believed in, is Love. Big Love. I know there is a lot of rhetoric around you need to love yourself first before others can love you. And that others can not make you whole.
I think that line of thinking is too narrow.
If you think about it, it can restrict us. And I wonder where it comes from?
It isn't that black and white. The same way your balloon can be burst by another you can also be expanded by another.
You can be lit up by another. Life can start to flow through you again. Like a divine river flowing through you, lighting up all your cells, senses and yes also your loins!
The same way your balloon can be burst by another you can also be expanded by another.
I know deep in my soul that I am meant to love fully in this life. I am a romantic and love to be doted on and to dote on another. While also living my own life and being myself.
This feeling of such deep love was already within me, but when someone else sees you, then my well of self fills up and over flows. And if it happens that in the future that this love will ebb and float away, then I am already fuller than I have ever been in this life before.
And isn't that all that matters?
Because all the planning, thinking and worrying doesn't help one iota. Only here and now and how I feel today. In this moment.
I am so glad I was courageous enough to step away and into the new scary and incredible unknown.
That's all for now.
With Love, Kooky Susan