Updated: Mar 4
There comes a time is your life where you have to decide to start being yourself. Truly yourself. The scary, vulnerable and incredibly powerful person you are. I'm at this point.
I think we all have these moments a few times in our life. But right now it feels like it is a very conscious decision. Maybe it is my looming birthday, I will be 46 in 24 hours.
I think I am equally scared of being so fucking awesome in this life while also being afraid of being shunned and not heard.
It's a scary place.
That fecker has been sitting on my shoulder for too many years now.
I had an astrology reading from a notable woman last week (6 months to get the appointment!) and she told me that Neptune is sitting right on my horizon sign, like right on it which she said its a long time since she had such a reading/chart. And while Neptune means I am intuitive and a healer it is also make me doubt myself. I can self sacrifice. And there was me beating myself up all the time for not being more confident or consistent.....we never really know the full story.
I spent some time with a dear friend at the weekend who I hadn't seen in 25 years. We literally bumped into each other at the petrol station. I realised while speaking to them that the woman who left Ireland in 1998 is a waaaaaay different woman to now. Not just cos I am older. But in the last five years I have gone from moving from working a 9-5 job, managing stress through running and yoga to being a yoni loving, energy healing goddess.
I think it's safe to say my dear friend would say I am completely woo woo. The things that I think are so normal, and to the small circle of friends and women I am surrounded with, these are completely normal. But I know that it is not normal in the wider society.
These are currently at the heart of my life, and the essence of me....and they may change in the future.......
- I believe in past lives, that we have been here multiple times and we come back willingly each time for different reasons
- And I also believe in Karma. I go through phases of this cos sometimes it is so hard to fulfil. Karma as in we are here to do something and heal past karma and what we did in a past life. Maybe we hurt another in a previous life and are here to live with them again or walk beside them for a spell and enhance their life this time
- I believe we are all souls yearning to be loved, even the people that we think are awful or annoying (yeah I know annoying isn't it)
- I am clairsentient. I FEEL everything. Imagine this, you have an argument before I walk into the room I will feel it. If you are feeling sad or angry I will feel it. Imagine being in a bar/restaurant/office/retreat with all that energy. It is a blessing and it also means I am so sensitive it is hard sometimes. I was always like this, only now I understand the impact it on me - escaping into books when I was younger as the real world was confusing, dreading social events so I would compensate by over drinking. You may also recognise that you are clairsentient. I feel you - pun intended!
- I believe in angels, that we have a Guardian angel that has been with us since we came here and they are with us all the time while we are here. We are never alone. How comforting is that!
- I say Good Morning to my Guardian angel and all the other angels around me, and sometimes I can feel/hear their response in a light fun way. It's like they flutter around my ears with joy. They are helping me write this!
- I believe that physical pain and illness is because we stopped feeling or being allowed to express ourselves. And all those emotions, thoughts and stories have got stuck in our body and make us ill. I do not blame myself, I had 20 years of menstrual ill health, but now I know, I do take responsibility for my health. All of it - emotional, mental and physical. And I am still human and eat too much sugary stuff.
- I can now divorce Jesus from the Church. He wanted us to know we are loved and to love each other. The Church (set up 400+ years after he left this world) just made up their own stories about him and what he said, and took women out of the new story, other than Mary being the Virgin and Mary Magdalene the sinner. Women were equal to Jesus. Adam and Eve is BS. Let's bring it back to basics - let's love and care about each other. That is what Christ was about.
- There is no such thing as co-incidences. I stopped thinking that! If you meet someone, or say something, and then it happens you have made it happen or it was meant to. It was pre-destined or you brought it in. Either way, there is a higher force helping us. So reassuring!
- The way we treat the planet is a direct relation to how we treat and speak of women. We abuse both. Mother Earth and Mothers/Women are one.
- I love to go chanting and go to kirtan evenings whenever I can. It's like Christmas Carol singing but with Indian chants, or sacred songs or any songs actually. My heart bursts open while chanting, with the vibration so high in the room, it lifts me for days. And it's not religious or weird. And yet I have people literally cut me off mid sentence when I try and explain it, and that hurts.
- I believe in the Universe. I believe she is Divine. I seem to be able to ask and receive more tangible things - a house and what needs to be in it, or for a parking spot or something random in a shop. But I still struggle with asking often, and being more precise or asking for more love. I feel like I am greedy so I still hold back. But I believe so deeply that the Universe looks after us, regardless of whether we believe in her or not, and I feel conscious of it still outside my own safe circle.
- And when I say the Universe, I actually mean the Goddess. Which I still don't say. The feminine, the Goddess is she who creates all. The masculine is the container, the stable form. Without one we can't have the other. The masculine gets you to put on the alarm the night before, the feminine allows you to stop and look up at the sky and create beauty, life and everything you see around you. We need both.
- Most of all I believe in myself. I have never been into Guru's. Luckily I have a good blend of a rational mind and spiritual openness. But I also believe that we need guides, teachers and they come in all forms. A boss at work, a partner, the woman next door, the organic veg man, the postman who's name is Gabriel (I kid you not!)
And here is the thing. If I speak of these things, will I be heard when I want to support women through their health? Or will I be dismissed? And If I don't open up and allow people to see the essence of me and hide away this vital aspect of myself - how will it affect my health and life?
I know other people who keep their personal spiritual life quiet out of a genuine fear of being shunned or not being able to attract more people to them, and affect their ability to make a living. Or that you don't get to to help the people that really need it. And I get it. I completely understand it. I also recognise their journey may not be to speak of it.
So what do I do. With this letter?
Should I tow the line and just be more "mainstream" in my work and in my personal life be who I really am?
But that means I never get to be fully me.
And you will feel that.
You will feel when I am not being honest. In integrity with myself.
Our soul knows when people are not being truly themselves.
So do I choose to be truly myself and attract the people in my life that love me for me? I am talking about my friendships and partnerships personal and work. Will I be too much for some people?
Or do I go half in half out.
As I type that last bit, its not even an option is it? I will self sacrifice my life this time round (and maybe I did that in a previous life) if I don't be me.
It's easier said than done though. Right! It's easier to stay quiet. Even if it makes us ill and unhappy.
And here I land.....in my most honest and intuitive place where I can't hide from myself. I am completely pre-menstrum, Day 30 and the truth always comes up at this time.
What about me? And what about the women who need to hear from me?
It is time to let it go and be truly me.
At least I will be true to myself. And on next birthday, and on my deathbed, I will at least say - I was me. Fully and Truly Me.
With those who want to hear it so they can be their true selves also.